The Shame in Not Knowing

For some people, being a senior in college is a relief—those who feel like they made the right choice about their major, have a killer internship, and know which jobs they’re applying for after graduation. However, I am not one of those people.

I regret choosing my major most days, even though I totally dig the people I learn with. I have no clue if going to this college was the right choice for me, even though I’m almost 30k in debt to pay for my education. I don’t know if I’ve made the best decisions socially, even though being around my best friends fills my heart with joy like nothing else. I’m currently registered to begin my very last semester come January 2016, but thinking about finishing this chapter of my life both terrifies and excites me. It’s officially the season of questions like, “So, what’re you plans for after graduation?” and I am forced again and again to utter the dreaded words, “I have no idea.”

I feel shame in being lost. I’ve always been someone who has their life together—I am a stereotypical control freak who rather enjoys having my ducks in a row, so to speak, and as much as I’d like to freeze time in place until I figure my life out, time has other plans. Time dictates that I move along with it, and as petrifying as that seems to me I’ve somehow found comfort in the steady reliability of time. Time moves on and time gives grace. As long as I’ve got time, I’ve got the opportunity to change my mind. Time limits, but it also liberates. Time is limited, but it brings with it limitless possibilities. We’re not guaranteed time, but we can guarantee ourselves a timeless love of life if we recognize that it’s ok not to know.

I could worry myself until I’m riddled with ulcers trying to figure my life out between November and April, but for what? I have not a clue where I’m going to live, what I’m going to do, or where I fit in this great big world. I have absolutely nothing—nothing but time and a willing spirit to learn what living life is all about.



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